[ghosts]

an ode to messy transitions + befriending my ghosts of lives past

back stage
understudy dressing room
Sitting in 
some semblance of peace
A lovely lull in the wild ride I’ve been on these past weeks
An unexpected ending led to an unexpecting beginning 
What’s that quote?
‘Every new beginning is some other beginning’s end’
Aristotle? Coldplay? My brain is too tired to remember…
Back riding an old train
more like roller coaster
That is at once fucking exhilarating and terrifying  
And 
utterly exhausting and antithetical to the way I best work, I'm learning.  
When I tell you I haven’t felt like I’ve been able to come up for air in weeks, I’m not exaggerating. 
I would be lost without my sweet Mikey. 
friends, new and old. 
I wish I could say I’ve handled this shift back into being a hired working actor 
(after three years of nothing on this front) 
With the effortlessness, ease and grace of a gazelle 
Or like a fish to water.
But alas, 
It’s just not true. 
The truth is, 
I haven’t. 
It’s felt more like I’ve been thrust back into a scenario 
That has awoken this haunted house of old stories 
That I thought I’d ‘healed’, ie. expelled,
From my system. 
Cue the drop in confidence, LOUD INSIDIOUS COMPARATIVE MINDSET, and the delicious sense of self I’ve cultivated and expanded into in these past few years feeling completely out of reach. It's the perfect storm for my terrified inner bully to seek control by shaming me for not being ecstatic AT ALL TIMES for being in this otherwise dream scenario.
Woof. 

After a mini menty b/spiral alone in our dressing room yesterday, 
I was awakened to the false narrative of the story I was creating that: I'm not 'healed', that I’m a failure, no one likes me, I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t love this thing anymore, on and on and on she goes. 

Then after dumping all of my feelings in an email to my therapist that she actually took the time to read, she responded with: 

"We meet old versions of ourselves sometimes and we are often so much meaner to them when they surprise us... when we considered them vanquished. Some of this is just a haunting. Make friends with this ghost. She needs you."

Make friends with this ghost. She needs you....

this cracked me open. I was reminded that I'm not healED but always healING. 

Instead of crawling into a hole to hide (like I so desperately wanted to do)
I shared what I was feeling with my fellow understudies. 
 Every one of them reflected back that they were wrestling with similar feelings, 
Affirmed that was I was experiencing-this pull between various truths-was actually happening. 
And above all they reminded me that the antidote to shame is always connection.

THIS is the truest truth I've found these years away from acting and now I find and cultivate connection and community here. In this old/new place. With stunning people whom I'm so grateful to just be in the room with to witness their brilliance and mess everyday. (y'all. this play is truly astounding in every. fucking. way. and I cannot WAIT for you to see it.) 

I’ve avoided writing to you all this time, telling myself I just didn’t have the bandwidth as I've struggled adjusting to this new schedule, struggled with trying on an old identity unsure of how to integrate an old way of being with this new way of being in circumstances that are both familiar and uncomfortable now in many ways, and that has felt like it requires ALL of my creative energy. All of this is true AND... 

I’ve been hiding. 
From you, yes, and 
from myself. 

I've been absolutely sure that, despite a year of connection with you all through this space, that I am unworthy, it was all a hoax, it can only be worth it if I have something positive to say, and nobody actually cares to read this ish- certainy not when I'm 'doing well as an actor again'. And who knows, for some people that may be true, but the point of this was always to challenge my own inner gremlin and put myself out there messily imperfect anyway. And to quote my sweet friend again, 'the antidote to shame is connection'.

So. 
Hi, again. 
I’ve missed you. 
I have no idea what the cadence of sharing here will be right now,
 but I promise to keep showing up.

Off to finish learning lines...
and keep wading my way through this haunted house. 
I’ve got a ghost who needs me. 
until next time...

xx
A

Get your tix to QUEENS by Martyna Majok at Manhattan Theatre Club, New York City Center! you really, really don’t want to miss this piece of brilliance on every level

• We are in previews now and run through the end of November. Y’all. This script. These actors. It’s a privilege to witness and I can’t recommend seeing it enough. It’s the kind of theatre my younger self could only dream of even just seeing in New York City. I have much more to say on this topic that will get it’s own piece entirely so stay tuned for that.

  • I have dates I’m going on Nov 21 & 22! Would love to see as many friendly face as possible!