[holding pattern]

an ode to transitions, being a Fool, beginning again.

It’s louder in here than usual, which
To be honest I’m not loving 
I turn up Rosalia in my ears
To drown out the other noise. 
I’m in between
Shows, 
          on a saturday 
Moments, 
          in life 
                  career 
	                seasons

I find myself in one of those all too familiar 
yet no less debilitating 
holding patterns. 
right at the precipice 
On the outside looking in
I am on a roof 
~for some reason I’m on the roof of the opera house in the movie version of Phantom of the Opera~
~yes, the Gerard Butler one~
~yes, in my mind~
My nose is pressed up against the glass dome on the Opera House roof  
I’m gazing longingly at the magnificent sparkling chandelier that is 
my life 
Each crystal it’s own prism’d light reflecting the beauty that awaits me, 
It beckons me to just come inside
Start 
writing, 
moving my body, 
seeing people again. 
But 
This feels impossible 
Though I know all I need do
Is remove my forehead from the cool, cool opera house glass
Simply step inside 
To the warmth that awaits me on the other side of the open door 
just steps away from me.

I am desperate to carry on
Desperate to not move at all 
To stay here 
To run away
To write
To never write again
To act 
To never act again
To be alone 
To continue to surrounded by the incredible women I’ve had the privilege of working with the last two months 
To encapsulate every single bit of my experience into words
To not even try because how could any words ever encapsulate it all?

I hear this is a common feeling-symptom-occurrence
This holding pattern, this lack of initiating impulse
among folks with adhd, like myself, and yet…
this tidbit of clarity does nothing 
to help me peel 
my nose away,
quit fogging the glass 
with my hot breath. 
So here I am making myself go click clack,
telling on myself, 
attempting to put these infuriating feelings into some 
semblance of sensible sentences on my notes app 
~filed between my notes for: 
CHRISTMAS GIFTS TO BUY
TO DO 
and a note that only reads:
 “HOT!!!!”

I suppose the short and the long of it is
I STINK AT TRANSITIONS
And 
MY LIFE IS NOTHING BUT TRANSITIONS ALL THE TIME ALWAYS
I spent weeks into this show process emotionally, mentally, holding
Clinging 
Onto my life.
Turns out, I got really used to, even grew to enjoy,
Life away from acting 
Convinced myself I could live without it 
I wouldn’t trade those three years for anything
I learned so much about myself 
Made the chandelier I see in the Opera house beyond even exist 
But after a while 
Without a taste of this
Sweet, sweet drug that is acting 
It became easier to imagine life without it
but now…
I’ve not only had a taste 
But I got a few cup fulls of the really good shit 
The shit that makes the possibility of ever giving it up feel impossible 
the shit that reminds me that this is such a part of me 
a part of what I was put on this earth to do
And 
makes me acutely aware that anything short of this type of experience
or any long period between this and the next hit
Feel…
Brutal. 

Time to
carry the memory of 
that last thrilling, life affirming, love filling 
wave I caught a mere weeks ago, 
going onstage, loved ones in the audience, backstage
Head back out to the vast ocean
Swim for that spot where the big waves come,
swim with the inevitable wave of depression swelling up underneath,
threatening to consume me 
and just let myself...
                                      be.

The tarot reading I received two weeks ago crystalizes in clarity 
It pointed to huge life transitions 
The Devil 
The Lovers
Then
The Fool.
As I look at my chandelier that hangs
In the abyss into that awaits me a week from now when 
This show closes
It makes sense
I am 
the Fool
once again.
I will begin again, leap again. 
I will transmute this doubt, this fear into 
Hope, faith, trust 
finally pull my forehead away 
With the Queen of Swords leading my way 
balancing my emotions and my intellect,
put the words to the page, 
hit publish.
Here I am, 
leaping, 
like the brash, beautiful Fool I am. 

Doing what I can 
To enjoy the view as I
		
		                           f
                                                a
                                                    l
                                                        l.

hi :) I promise to share more about this experience of QUEENS very soon. Needed to just WRITE from where I’m at today, to just rip the band aid and begin again. Downloading, synthesizing and keeping the goodness of this experience to myself for just a little longer. take care of your hearts, keep making your art and be wherever you’re at. Until next time…

big love,

A