[shedding]
an ode to my phobia + the quiet transformation work of becoming
It’s amazing the amount of transformation taking place Right before Our Very eyes that no one Will ever notice nor see Like the time between when the leaves change on trees or When they grow back again in bursts of green A transformation A magic trick We don’t notice it until it’s beautiful enough to be seen. But the beauty is in the making Don’t you think? What we can see is so very short lived. I wonder… Do snakes know when they are shedding their layers of skin? I’m too afraid to google this Especially before bed Snakes being my forever phobia, achilles heel The only time I’ve been known to panic and run Is seeing their slithering spines Which has happened on more occasions than one For while they are my greatest fear-yes, the sight, the thought even, bwofhqfgahhhh- My writing this is the most exposure I’ve ever dared come near- I also happen to be a magnet for them too. It’s a known truth about me with those I’m closest to. I’ve come across them in places people who have lived in this ginormous city Have never even dared to think- On the subway platform, the BRooklyn Bridge, Even FIVE AT ONCE!! On the heads of men on unicycles in Harlem- this one really had me running for the hills begging to drown in the comfort of a drink. Even on my wedding day! The night before over dinner, jokes were thrown around “Watch there be a snake tomorrow somewhere” We all laughed, I delighted in the sound. Sure enough, when we were having our photos taken, “O no don’t look” That tone That shot of adrenaline races up my spine and I know “Snake?” I say without missing a beat “That’s the largest water snake I’ve ever seen!” my dad exclaims I can’t help but look, Look square at it’s lonngggggg slithering body racing in the water, It’s truly so long For once my terror subsides to a dumbfounded awe Seriously Universe?! We all burst out laughing At the absolute wild improbability of it all. My therapist and I have worked so hard to reframe (To varying degrees of success I’d say) To embrace this ‘gift’ of magnetism with my fears As omens or symbols That transition, change for the good, must be near old skin is being shed Though the molting is always uncomfortable, It is not a process to dread. Yesterday, when I sat down to witch I consulted my cards, all three decks They spoke to one another Spoke of transition A becoming A shedding A change A homecoming. I didn’t realize it until this moment the two cards I pulled? point directly to this refrain: The snake + fern MEDUSA, head full of what? Snakes. Her fury, Sacred Rage. Though her eyes would strike me down I’ve never been able to look away. The snake + fern speak to starting over Only then do I realize the molting that’s been taking place Inside me, before my very eyes This sad, tenderness is my new fresh skin being exposed, for the first time, to the elements No wonder I feel extra sensitive. This time I feel full though, truly excited for the unknown A seismic shift has been taking place. Not one you would notice Certainly not by just looking at my face. I feel it though. Do snakes too? How many times have I done this? Been the thing I most feared and still do? I smile at the uncanny consistency of it all. Tickled by this recurring theme Grateful that this time It wasn’t a real snake Sending me the message. *knock on wood* Universe, let’s keep it that way, okay? ***
Just want to firmly (and lovingly) set a boundary and say, I don’t love talking about or sharing my phobia of snakes with folks because they usually, not knowing how truly horrible my fear of them is, use it as a way to tease me. Or they feel it’s a door to push open a little further and see how legit or not my fear is. Please don’t do that. With my fear nor anyone else’s. I know it makes no sense. No it’s not that they’ll bite me. Literally never once been afraid of that. It’s simply the way they look sets off a serious nonsensical terror in me. No, I don’t want to hear your wild snake story. No, I don’t want to talk anymore about it lol. Like maybe apply this for other people’s phobias too? spiders, heights, idk what’s yours? unless you’re a trained professional whom I’ve asked to assist, just don’t. This was a big exposure for me and I’m v proud of myself for it but that’s about all I can take of thinking about them for the rest of forever unless it’s a beautiful drawing like the one in my deck. okay, that’s it thanks so much.
I hope you’re well. I am in a deep season of transition in a way that I really love. writing, creating, and sharing it with you in more ways than one. If you haven’t already heard-my Papaia Pages Etsy shop is LIVE! I’ll be releasing limited drops of my collage prints at a cadence that I will share soon. I’m doing Indie Bookstores Tours in NYC over on BookTok and having a lot of fun visiting some of my favs and exploring new to me shops—and my TBR pile is adding up in a way that’s making me giddy! Lots of adventures ahead this summer so soaking in the sweet in between. Full May recap is coming..In the meantime, if you’re an NYC resident please make sure you’re registered to vote Dem for the Mayoral Primaries and rank Zohran Mamdani #1 (please for the love do not rank Cuomo at all!!!), hydrate and be my accountability buddies in remembering to wear sunscreen? ok cool. thanks. Ta ta for now.
big love,
xo
A
