*bee dee bee deee bee dee dee dee dee*
*bee dee bee deee bee dee dee dee dee*
roll over in bed
check time
6:05a
roll over
hit <STOP>
roll back over
to snuggle up
eyes flutter closed again
the sound of Roxie licking her chops
the sound she makes when she has to vom
should I get up?
<no, she's fine, you have 10 more minutes>
okay
deep breaths
images flash
a strong snooze descends
some from dreamland
some from reality-land
somewhere the thought flutters by
"will we know about the election today?"
*bee dee bee deee bee dee dee dee dee*
*bee dee bee deee bee dee dee dee dee*
6:15a
roll over
hit <STOP>
<don't look at your phone yet>
okay I-
*The New York Times
The Morning: President Trump*
NO
no no no
shit
WHAT?!
I have to tell Mike
<he's sleeping so soundly, don't wake him>
you're right, you're right
<you have to be out the door in 9 minutes>
okay, yea
scramble out of bed
throw on leggings and sports bra
grab socks
grab toiletry kit
this can't be real
Rox by the door
fully awake
this is unlike her
"you okay baby?"
she lingers still
ears pinned back
tail swaying
something's wrong
"do you have to go outside?"
open the bedroom door
she goes right to the front door
shit
five minutes
no time
<wake up Mike>
"Hey babe, I'm so sorry to wake you I think she needs to go out and I have to go"
he's immediately awake
sleepily without missing a beat
"okay, I got it"
<Brush your teeth!!>
shit
"thank you, my love"
toothpaste on tooth brush
sit down on toilet
peeing
brushing
multitasking at its finest
I need to tell him
<then do it>
"babe, Trump won"
"seriously? you've gotta be fucking kidding me.
O no no no Rox!"
"o no did she throw up?"
"she's peeing everywhere"
"o shit"
<2 minutes>
quickly
spit
wipe
pants up
round the corner
he's on all fours
wiping it up
"you go take her, I'll finish this"
grab paper towels and spray
finish cleaning up
the smell is putrid
fight hard not to throw up from the smell
<you have to go NOW>
quickly!
wash hands
<phone, wallet, keys, spin shoes, laptop?>
check, check, check, check, check
<GO!>
run down the stairs
toss her mess
power walk across the street
heart thundering
make it to platform just as train pulls up
ear buds in
open phone
FUCK
it's real
it's real life
rage
grief
sadness
hit all at once
I have to change this playlist
<but it's meant to be your celebration day>
I can't lie about where I'm at today
<okay>
change everything
on the playlist
a process that can often feel hard
flows easily
every song comes to mind freely
easily
I am so angry but see so clearly
we're in the shit now
but don't worry
I've got your back
full body gnawing, vibrating, exhaustion
<there's a fire starting in my heart...>
<insert: ROLLING IN THE DEEP>
need somewhere to put this
I will not bend or break who I am to be palatable to you fuck you, the gloves are off
<Say that again, I didn't quite hear ya
Messed with the wrong bitch in the wrong era>
<insert: LITTLE GIRL GONE>
you won't touch us
love is the revolution
<Get the fuck up out my house.....
......Lend your soul to intuitions
RENAISSANCE, new revolution
Pick me up even if I fall
Let love heal us all, us all, us all>
<insert: MY HOUSE>
I want to levitate out of my body
bang my head against a wall
go fast
DANCE
exorcise this feeling
give me a beat
<CHARLI XCX beat drop @ 2:34
Sofi Tukker beat drop @ 1:40>
<insert: 365
insert: Purple Hat Dux N Bass Remix>
fuck this hope
this faith in humanity
I can't quit it
I need to believe it
too many proof points in my life
they are the glimmers
but it won't be easy to hold
Hill
<They will try to make you unhappy
Don't let them
They will try to tell you you're not free
Don't listen
I know a place where you don't need protection
Even if it's only in my imagination
I, I know a place we can go
Where everyone gonna lay down their weapon
Lay down their weapon
Just give me trust and anything can happen
<insert: I KNOW A PLACE>
"your body, my choice"
FUCK. YOU.
<Shut the fuck up
shut the fuck up
shut the fuck up>
<insert: STFU!>
I offer my grief
my fear
at the altar of civility
let this offering fuel my path forward
<I must become a lion hearted girl
Ready for a fight
Before I make the final sacrifice
We raise it up, this offering
We raise it up>
<insert: RABBIT HEART>
we will not roll over
protest
voice to backbone fused
<I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go 'round and 'round and 'round
It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
'Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should>
<insert: NOT READY TO MAKE NICE>
when all of the rage settles
when the heartbreak sets in we're still here
fully and entirely here
dig deep
push through
<May the light be upon me
May I feel in my bones that I am enough
I can make anywhere home
My fingers are clenched, my stomach's in knots
My heart it is racing, but afraid I am not
(Afraid I am not)
I am here, I am here
I've already seen the bottom, so there's nothing to fear
I know that I'll be ready when the devil is near
'Cause I am here, I am here
All of this wrong, but I'm still right here
I don't have the answers, but the questions is clear>
<insert: I AM HERE>emerge from underground
centered in the rage and grief
there's no way else to be
but honest arrive at the studio
new playlist set
through the door
see friends
full of melancholy
disbelief
decorations on the wall
for me
PAPAIAVERSARY
wall full of photos
such care taken by sweet friends
to celebrate one year of my working here
"hey."
deep hugs
no words
"thank you for this despite everything"
"of course. happy papaiaversary"
that feels unimportant now
we trade stories of our evenings
what our lives were like just hours ago
many minutes later...
take the podium
look out at a sea of friends
many of whom I have met from this job
showed up to celebrate with me
grieving just as I am
but ready to process
show up for themselves
I feel so in center of my being
with the stark dark reality sinking into us all
I think
there's nowhere else I'd rather be in this moment
silly, perhaps
but true
"morning, friends
thank you for being here
for still showing up today
there's nowhere else I'd rather be than here with you, right now
I changed the whole playlist on the way here
so we can rage
so we can dance
and feel whatever we need to feel
sound good?"
nods around the the room
a couple of cheers
start music
we ride
mic cuts out
I coach non verbally
they instantly listen
they see each other
this
this energy of intense, messy connection
collective exchange, holding of the tough shit
no language required
giving it all a channel
awakening endorphins
what a gift
to feel so deeply
and have community to move through it with
at the end of it all
they still had space
to see me
cheer for me
love me
through this milestone
overwhelmed
with joy
and grief
and heartache and rage
and love
used to be afraid of all of the big feelings
now it truly feels like a badge of honor
fuel for the fight ahead
my capacity to process the multidimensionality of life
strong and hard earned
no answers here
but in these fourty-five minutes
with these friends
an ounce of hope is restored
fortifying my weary stores
to face waking up
taking care of the pup
leaning on each other
going to the doctor
digging in to make the art
protesting
keep up with life life-ing
and
buckling up to face the bullies
again and again and again and again.
this is so beautiful. i love the form so much. the small moments of humanity up against the hugeness of this grief and rage. it feels like we jump on that train with you. thank you so much for sharing your generosity and heart and artistry.
this is so beautiful. i love the form so much. the small moments of humanity up against the hugeness of this grief and rage. it feels like we jump on that train with you. thank you so much for sharing your generosity and heart and artistry.